Taliban Talk[ie]s : My Own Pre-Conditions

With such a hullaballoo around for talks, their team, our team, pre-conditions blah blah…. Here is a much sane solution which I’m going to propose. I’ll wholeheartedly support Taliban If they…..

• Promise to re-open YouTube, so that we [and rest of the world] can watch those beheading videos with much ease and better quality.
• Award ten [or more] lashes to all those westernized, jeans-clad, bay-purdah and bay-hooda [yet appealing] women [… who refuse to have coffee with me (and rather have it with some infidel named Karan)].
• Chummi Khalid should be returned to Awan tribe [Me being Malik Awan has nothing to do with it].
• Plant those “drone chips” in NATO trucks, so that when they strike, they strike their own freight.
• Declare AFIC to be a sub jail of GITMO. [Karma you know]
• Pak Army should be restricted to DHAs only, be disarmed and be allowed to deal in real estate only. [I have a feeling that this demand has already been met .. but I need to re-check]
• Ask Iftikhaar Chaudhry to write “I Love Mush” for each suo-moto notice he took. [Paper and pen industry will flourish thus]
• Send Arslan Ifitikhar on a trip to Monte-Carlo with Bannu-DI-Khan jail breakers and all those pardoned by his dad’s court [and let Malik sb. sponsor it ... again]. (Everybody needs a break, so do Taliban)
• Impose a same-sex-marriage on Chaudhary Nisar and Malik Riaz.
• Appoint Pervaiz Khattak as the Japphhee (جاپھی) of Pakistan’s National Kabaddi team and he’ll show who the real Pehelwan (wrestler) is! [Ranay pe Rana]
• Force Maulana to wear a turban made out of denim (and designed by Diesel). [I know this one is cheeky :p ]
• Let Ansar Abbasi torture NFP by reading out ten Siparas to him daily.
• Arrange a cage fight between Orya Maqbool Jan and Zaid Hamid. Just to add a little fun they must be the commentators of their own fight.
• Shaikh-ul-Islam’s speeches and activities should be ‘contained’ but allow him to run for the next pope. [Reminds me of Rehman Malik somehow]

Contained

• Ban all those talk shows and behead their anchors who conduct solo shows featuring Sheikh Rasheed. [That rids us of 75% talk show airtime, 90% of talk shows and 99% of anchors  ... yeah!]
• Allow PTI to open offices in North Waziristan and make sure Dr. Mazari is appointed there.
• Design a special talking-chamber where the subject to be tortured is forced to listen to long distance calls of drunken-exPat-Politicians 24/7 [and put you-know-who in it :p ].
• Fly Main Sb to Jeddah without making any fuss or getting any papers signed [this time].
• Re-decide the fate of NA-125, however this time (instead of polling) a tug of war should be held between Saad Rafiq and All-the-Aunty-Bachee-crowd-of-defence (My Mother-in-Law and Wife included). [Tug of war: like they hold in Punjab Youth Festivals and to add insult to injury Guinness Book Reps must witness]
• Nominate Baji Maryum as the sole guarantor of the whole loan scheme (Kaisa!) and make her pay the interest too!!
• Shahbaz Shareef must continue as Khadim-e-Aala: We really need some more flyovers and metro buses [plus he must be given HakeemUllah-Ludhianvi peace award for successfully maintaining truce with the buddies ;)].
• Rana SanaUllah’s Moustaches should be clean shaved for bearing an Un-Islamic outlook and the unreasonably extra space they occupy. [This will not be a vendetta for making a 180 degree shift on buddies and (almost) declaring war on ‘southern support base’]
• Do unto Bilawal as you guys do unto such boys. (Haaaawwww) [However Bilawal might reply "Marsoo marsoo **nd na desoo"]

           And last but not the least [in fact the most important]:

•  Declare Immi [the savior; the last and only hope of this wretched nation] to be our prime minister for life and if he refuses this time, to be on your team … ‘upload’ him on YouTube [hence you know why I want YouTube reopened …. Muuhahahaa  MUHAHAHAHA…. ].

Immi the Savior

Admiring Taliban (God Help Me)

Well as the title suggests, this post is not for weak hearts, people with no sense of humour, adults under the mental age of 7 and proponents of freedom of speech. Wait a minute did I say proponents of freedom of speech, well thats what I said. Normally those who advocate freedom of speech mean, freedom of 'their' version of speech and admiring Taliban may not conform to their concept of free speech. Only anti-religious and blasphemous stuff qualifies for that (pun intended).
Anyway all I wanted to say was that these Taliban guys are really dashing. I mean they have a rugged, rustic, macho and chauvinistic air about them. They look so manly. Now honestly if we take our regular, cleanly-shaven, trying-to-look-bad Hollywood icons and any Talib walking down the FATA hills; who would look more manly and bad. I got you there didn't I; because we all agree that Taliban are more BAD. But I was emphasizing manliness here (Ahem).
Okay now lets make a side by side comparison. Lets compare Mr. Rambo with (Late) Nek Mohammad. Just for the record, Nek Mohammad was probably the first victim of a US drone operating on the wrong side of the border.

Oh by the way for the record once again, Mr. Rambo also had the honor of fighting in Afghanistan against the Commies alongside (the then called) Mujahideen. How time changes!
Coming back to the point. Now guys (and especially girls) please leave all your biases aside and tell me whose your man?
No, didn't impress you. Okay then lets try Taliban vs. Bollywood. Here we go:

Here we have Mr. Salman Khan (Sallu G) versus Hakeem Ullah Mehsud (the newly appointed TTP chief, believed to be already dead by some). Now both of them are 'BAD' in their own ways but whose more manly? The earring clad guy with an aura of stupidity OR the really dangerous guy on the right (side of the column). Please also keep in mind that Taliban are a species that are really hard to photograph. Ask any Nat Geo photographer whats easy to catch on film, the tonsils of a living African Lion or the turban of dead Taliban and he's sure to choose the African version. Unless you get abducted by them (Taliban I mean) its really hard to photograph them. In fact when one does get abducted its Talibaan who 'shoot' the photographer, with all those exotic settings and props. On the other hand the filmy guys are meant to be photographed. They use all means possible to improve their looks whereas Taliban may spend the least of their time in front of a mirror. But still I guess they manage to steal (rather kidnap) the show.
Now all those self-righteous, forward-looking and liberal-minded folks might be thinking, whats the point of this whole post. Well folks, there is no point in this post, it was just for laughs. Humour doesn't have to 'politically correct'. If it can make you laugh it has done the job. Got my point now??? :)