Taliban Talk[ie]s : My Own Pre-Conditions

With such a hullaballoo around for talks, their team, our team, pre-conditions blah blah…. Here is a much sane solution which I’m going to propose. I’ll wholeheartedly support Taliban If they…..

• Promise to re-open YouTube, so that we [and rest of the world] can watch those beheading videos with much ease and better quality.
• Award ten [or more] lashes to all those westernized, jeans-clad, bay-purdah and bay-hooda [yet appealing] women [… who refuse to have coffee with me (and rather have it with some infidel named Karan)].
• Chummi Khalid should be returned to Awan tribe [Me being Malik Awan has nothing to do with it].
• Plant those “drone chips” in NATO trucks, so that when they strike, they strike their own freight.
• Declare AFIC to be a sub jail of GITMO. [Karma you know]
• Pak Army should be restricted to DHAs only, be disarmed and be allowed to deal in real estate only. [I have a feeling that this demand has already been met .. but I need to re-check]
• Ask Iftikhaar Chaudhry to write “I Love Mush” for each suo-moto notice he took. [Paper and pen industry will flourish thus]
• Send Arslan Ifitikhar on a trip to Monte-Carlo with Bannu-DI-Khan jail breakers and all those pardoned by his dad’s court [and let Malik sb. sponsor it ... again]. (Everybody needs a break, so do Taliban)
• Impose a same-sex-marriage on Chaudhary Nisar and Malik Riaz.
• Appoint Pervaiz Khattak as the Japphhee (جاپھی) of Pakistan’s National Kabaddi team and he’ll show who the real Pehelwan (wrestler) is! [Ranay pe Rana]
• Force Maulana to wear a turban made out of denim (and designed by Diesel). [I know this one is cheeky :p ]
• Let Ansar Abbasi torture NFP by reading out ten Siparas to him daily.
• Arrange a cage fight between Orya Maqbool Jan and Zaid Hamid. Just to add a little fun they must be the commentators of their own fight.
• Shaikh-ul-Islam’s speeches and activities should be ‘contained’ but allow him to run for the next pope. [Reminds me of Rehman Malik somehow]

Contained

• Ban all those talk shows and behead their anchors who conduct solo shows featuring Sheikh Rasheed. [That rids us of 75% talk show airtime, 90% of talk shows and 99% of anchors  ... yeah!]
• Allow PTI to open offices in North Waziristan and make sure Dr. Mazari is appointed there.
• Design a special talking-chamber where the subject to be tortured is forced to listen to long distance calls of drunken-exPat-Politicians 24/7 [and put you-know-who in it :p ].
• Fly Main Sb to Jeddah without making any fuss or getting any papers signed [this time].
• Re-decide the fate of NA-125, however this time (instead of polling) a tug of war should be held between Saad Rafiq and All-the-Aunty-Bachee-crowd-of-defence (My Mother-in-Law and Wife included). [Tug of war: like they hold in Punjab Youth Festivals and to add insult to injury Guinness Book Reps must witness]
• Nominate Baji Maryum as the sole guarantor of the whole loan scheme (Kaisa!) and make her pay the interest too!!
• Shahbaz Shareef must continue as Khadim-e-Aala: We really need some more flyovers and metro buses [plus he must be given HakeemUllah-Ludhianvi peace award for successfully maintaining truce with the buddies ;)].
• Rana SanaUllah’s Moustaches should be clean shaved for bearing an Un-Islamic outlook and the unreasonably extra space they occupy. [This will not be a vendetta for making a 180 degree shift on buddies and (almost) declaring war on ‘southern support base’]
• Do unto Bilawal as you guys do unto such boys. (Haaaawwww) [However Bilawal might reply "Marsoo marsoo **nd na desoo"]

           And last but not the least [in fact the most important]:

•  Declare Immi [the savior; the last and only hope of this wretched nation] to be our prime minister for life and if he refuses this time, to be on your team … ‘upload’ him on YouTube [hence you know why I want YouTube reopened …. Muuhahahaa  MUHAHAHAHA…. ].

Immi the Savior

The [un]Holy War

Devour devour

Flesh and blood

Innocent and weak

Irrelevant yet prominent

Kill and kill

As sacrifices you must

Present to the gods

Of your own creation

The gods of your ego

gods of your whims

Don’t leave any place

Unstained and clean

Be it a mosque

Of infidels

Or a pub

Where pious flaunt

Let it be

A soldier or student

A politician or beggar

Kill them all

Kill them everywhere

Why did the chicken cross the road????

So here is the current political version of the question ... :)

Nawaz Shareef: Because it had to cross the road .. for the third time
Imran Khan: It is not a chicken, it is a tsunami crossing the road .. can't you see oye son of a tiger
Altaf Hussain: If the chicken won't cross the road and join us .. it will be found in a body bag on the other side
Shujaat Hussain: Well lets forget about this road crossing and chickens... Mitti pao
Musharraf: Because the chicken is NOT afraid of anyone (oops but it was caught the moment it crossed the road :p)
Shahbaz Shareef: Chicken doesn't need to cross the road any more because we have constructed an underpass
Khwaja Saad Rafique: Why are these chickens not crossing the road .. they are sitting right in the middle of the road, in a dharna
TTP: Only those chickens can cross the road whom we shall allow
Zardari: The chicken can cross the road only if it pays my cut
Gen Kyani: The chicken doesn't intend to cross the road any more
CJ: I have taken notice of the chicken crossing the road (Won't spare the damn chicken)
Obama: Send the drones before it crosses the road

Romance 2.0

She came, she chatted and she conquered .. Other variants can be .. she came, she messaged (as in sms) and she conquered or may be she skyped and conquered or perhaps she facebooked and conquered or probably .... (and the list goes on) .. Welcome to the 21st century .. this is Romance 2.0.
Sometimes I wonder how romance looked like in pre-sms age. These technology platforms provide wonderful ways for sweethearts to connect and for connections to become sweethearts. Now Ranjhas don't have to tend Heer's Majheeyan (Buffalos) for 12 long years to stay in touch. All they need is Heer's cell number and off they go. If both the lovers are on 3G+ platforms then the extent of sharing thoughts and moments of life are a matter of imagination (and yes ofcourse some credit is also needed). So hearts are coming closer at a faster pace than ever but hey the risk of an intruder or your lover moving away to another "platform" has also increased. But then kicks in the true love, depth of emotions and sincerity of commitment. Yes, if you think that with the advent of technology these gems have become old fashioned then you are mistaken my dear. These things are very much there but as always they are rare. So the technology can bring people closer, may provide excitment and fun or open up a plethora of options BUT building long-lasting and loving relationships still needs a beating heart, a human touch and a committed soul. So don't be dis-illusioned by the choices technology brings, rather utilize it to your best to find your very own soul-mate ... My best wishes to all those sincere lovers out there who have still NOT lost their human feelings despite being the lovers of Romance 2.0 era. Happy chatting/messaging/facebooking/blah blah/.... folks ;) Utilize technology to your fullest to find the special someone but please don't misuse or abuse it!!!

Mulla in Love :)

Hello and welcome this is BUZZ Khan from GNN (Gossip News Network). Today I am covering here what can be called the gossip of the year .. yeah we have found a Mulla who has fallen in love. Wow, cheeky and creepy isn't it... I don't know what more this 21st century is going to bring to us .. A Mullah in Love, is that an oxymoron or what (hehehe) .. anyway we have the Mulla himself, in person, here with us .. lets talk to him .....

Buzz Khan (BK): Hi, Mulla! Yo man how ye doin ...
Mulla:(Seems tight lipped) ... Assalam o Alaiukum ..
BK: :s  errr.. ummm (Sheepishly) oh well yes .. Wa Le Kum Salam .. So Mulla you are the one who has fallen in love!?
Mulla: Thats right..
BK: Can you tell us a bit how it happened, where it started .. give us those tiny, miny, lil juicy details
Mulla: (With an annoying stare) I can't tell you all this .. I must protect the privacy and self esteem of my lady love .. I just can't give these sacred details to your lousy network ...
BK: (Flabbergasted) (Talking to himself ... man this is tougher than I thought .. I should have tried to have an English interview with Meera instead, that would have been easier) Ummm well .. ok Mulla, lets put it this way .. usually the Mullas are not thought to be associated with love, romance and stuff .. how will you comment?
Mulla: Look mister we Mullas might have long beards but we still have hearts in our bosoms!!
BK: (Shaking head in admiration) .. Moved, I'm deeply moved .. but you know like you are not supposed to cast a second look at a woman .. how do you manage falling in love without really looking at someone whole heartedly??
Mulla: Ummm well (looks puzzled and a bit shaken) .. you are right we are supposed to be that way but you know we do steal a look or two occassionaly .. especially if the girl is a pretty and cute one (Mulla is blushed with a tinge of redness on his cheeks)
BK: OOKKAAYY ... (Now things are spicing up a bit) so yours is a pretty one ..ahan??
Mulla: (Totally confused) ... ummm ..well ... aa baa ..
BK: Okay okay I get it .. But don't you think its wrong or a bit sinful if I must say ..
Mulla: (Agitated) Well why .. all I intend is to get married to the woman I love, I don't mean anything sinful .. Why it seems wrong to you??
BK: (On the back foot) Oh no Mulla I didn't mean that way .. well forget it .. Ok tell our viewers as they might be interested in knowing .. what if your girl likes to party, wants to do that fun stuff and all .. how will you manage that?
Mulla: Look buddy (opening up a bit for the first time) .. I like to party myself but you know I have my limits .. I do the fun stuff once in a while .. so if my girl would like to party I'll party WITH her but there will be certain places, kind of people and activities that I might not approve .. I hope she can manage that much!
BK: Pretty cool Mulla we have here .. well Mulla let me ask this and I hope you won't be offended ..
Mulla: Go on .. I won't be ..
BK: Well why on earth a pretty and cool "Bachee" hook up with you .. come on there are so many cool guys out there .. why a boring piece of log like you ..
Mulla: (Takes a deep breath) I am not boring to begin with .. I have my lighter and fun side but I just don't show it to every woman passing by like your regular cool hunks ... I have my colors reserved for the special one .. now if that holds any significance!!
BK: O come on man you are talking as if you'll be the most committed and faithful person under the sun ..
Mulla: Well why not .. isn't that how it is supposed to be .. you get a wife and then you stay committed .. truly a one-woman-man !!
BK: Throw me a bone Mulla .. the equation in your tribe is four for one NOT one for one .. if you know what I mean
Mulla: Yeah I was expecting that one .. look man your cool guy has one wife, 3 girl friends and a dozen mistresses and I'm not counting the one-night-stands yet and you still insist on calling him a one woman man??
BK: O come on Mulla .. you jump to extremes .. the regular guy we have here doesn't have that plethora of women in his life but you know if he does steal a flirtatious moment or two, here and there .. just for fun .. man it just adds some spice to life .. On the other hand when you will fall for someone else you won't settle for less than a Nikah!!
Mulla: (With an I-Feel-Sick-of-This look on his face) Man its not compulsory to have 4 wives in your Harem, if I must say .. Point is when you marry a woman then the matters of hearts, be they small or big must remain between you and your mate .. You don't cut off with rest of the women in the world .. you do interact with them as colleagues, relatives or in some other acceptable role .. you act nicely and pleasantly with them but you do maintain a "safe distance" .. its not that difficult to achieve if you have your juices in your control ..
BK: Oh man don't take it personally ..
Mulla: I'm not!
(Brief moments of silence)
BK: But my question is still there .. look I appreciate you will be faithful and all but still .. yaar just look, there are so many guys, they are usual nice guys, they will be faithful too, they are trendy as well, you have so many strings attached, like your appearance, your limited life-style .. and yes you'll ask your woman to cover-up and wear shuttle cocks etc .. I know you are a genuine nice guy but why you? Why not others?
Mulla: (With a you-break-my-heart look) Sighs ... Man I really don't have an answer for this .. but i'll try .. look buddy can't you just treat me as your usual nice guy, why there is so much stereo-typing .. If I try to live my life around a philosophy then whats wrong with it .. Everyone has their ideas about life, you can't even predict what others really believe in .. mine is at least open and predictable .. as for covering up and all that, well man if I am saving so much of my inner self for my special one, can't she keep her most prized and precious assets just for me .. I won't be oppressive or imposing .. I know how to give space and give time for adjustments .. but if I ask her to dress up decently then probably I'm not asking for too much!!
BK: Hmmm ... ok let me ask .. why have you fallen for a not-so-religious-looking-girl? why not your ninja-burqa-clad Mullani?
Mulla: Ah you don't understand my friend .. in the matters of heart you can't fall for someone who has the "right parameters" .. its just for whom the heart beats and the one who clicks .. its just like that and plus I don't stereo-type like you do .. Nice girls don't come in pre-defined packages .. they can be found in any shape and form, you just need to have an eye to identify the right one!!
BK: Alright man this is getting long here .. any message you want to give??
Mulla: Well .. its for my lady love and all those skeptics who keep their fingers crossed around mullas and lovers .. the spring of love can well up from any heart, the seed of romance can take roots in any ground .. its not the outward look that matters .. after all its a connection of hearts that originates from a heart and must end up nicely in another accepting and willing heart .. Love is one of those rare gifts of life that is hard to find in its purest form and much harder to match up in another equally loving and willing mate .. but no matter what the odds are, no matter how much risk is there and no matter how much emotional wealth is at stake .. going after a proposition of possible true love is worth a million heart-breaks than not attempting, just to save yourself from another emotional scar or to avoid a badly burnt heart.
BK: Wow mulla .. you are quite a poet .. you alomst made me cry man .. anyway thats all from Buzz Khan .. We hope our Mulla succeeds in winning over the heart of his lady love .. thats all for now from GNN .. keep watching for the latest gossip!!

(Disclaimer: All above characters and incidents are imaginery but they have been kept intentionally close to reality so that a coincidental resemablance may occur :D)